Happy SUCK-a-versary

Today is Chris' anniversary.  When I reminded the kids that it was the anniversary of the onset of their dad's pancreatitis I got the following reaction..."Can't we just not call it an ANNIVERSARY?"...some of the names they suggested were ANTI-versary, and Hell-a-versary (yes one of my kids suggested this).  I came up with SUCK-a-versary all by my bigger self.

To say this day isn't filled with anxiety for us would be a huge lie.  We have played it low key today.  Chris took the day off, we've been lounging and treating it like a normal day.  Every now and again though I get flashes of memory.  The ride to the hospital, the moment he screamed in pain to just take him to St. Joseph's because it was closer, the diagnosis of pancreatitis, the first time friends came to help (this was within an hour of me getting to the ER).  All these things that started us on our journey, our road, our trial.

We had something to learn from this.  I'm not sure we have learned all that we needed to but I know that for me this experience has been the biggest growth experience I have ever had.  So here's the list of things I've learned...

First I've learned that service is a universal language.  It doesn't matter what language you speak, or what walk of life you are from service is the universal language of love.  When you are serving someone you cannot help but love them, it's a side effect, it's wonderful, and it makes us all better people.  Service was the theme of our year and it still continues today.  Some times I feel very high maintenance.  For years we were the family in church that was good...we didn't require much in the way of service, even having Home teachers that didn't come very often wasn't a big deal because we were fine.  All that changed on June 22, 2014.  Our Home Teacher has been a source of countless priesthood blessings, he's kept the Bishop and High Priest Quorum up to date on our needs, him and his family are our friends for life.  One day we will be not so high maintenance and like I've said before I will (and am) pay it forward as often as I can.  

Smiling is great.  So many times we walk by people in our daily running around and never even look at them.  Every day on my walk to Chris' room at the hospital (it was a LONG walk) I would pass by people who were happy, relieved, sad, grief stricken, anxious etc. and you could see it on their faces.  I often wondered what they saw on my face?  After the first few weeks I decided to make the best of my lot and smile and look people in the eye when I passed them.  At first it was hard and uncomfortable, but after a while it came pretty easy.  Some even spoke to me and that was always nice to hear a "good morning" or "hello there".  Even the slightest human contact was very much needed and appreciated.  So smile at a stranger today, they will probably smile back.

I learned who my friends are.  I learned that people who I thought would support me no matter what didn't, and people who I didn't know very well at all were sometimes my biggest support.  Funny how that works out, and not so funny at the same time.  

It's ok to no do it all.  Taking care of Chris and my kids and my own health was like having 6 full time jobs.  I didn't go to church for 7 months because sitting through a meeting was more than I could take emotionally.  I would start out in sacrament meeting and quickly realize that sobbing for 3 hours was not going to be good for me and would usually leave.  So I decided that going to church was going to have to go for a while.  Surprisingly my testimony didn't suffer.  I still believe, I have a great calling now which I LOVE, and we are "active" members again.  My kids had a hard time getting back to the swing of church but we are working it out week by week.  It's ok to let some things go...LET THEM GO!

I love my husband more than life itself.  LITERALLY.  There were so many times that I wished and prayed that I could just take his illness from him.  I wanted to give him relief, I wanted him to heal.  

Chris is a rockstar...He's pretty much our hero.  The things he went through and suffered through are, well there are no words for them.  He is amazing and I can't even write all that he endured, just know he's the strongest person I have ever met.  

I feel like I'm closer to my family now.  When we moved to Illinois it was a source of contention for my parents and I and for years things have been kinda tense.  Let's be honest moving away was hard on everyone.  My parents came in October and stayed for a month to help out and it was amazing!  I'm sure they question whether they helped very much since my mom was sick and in the hospital for about a week, but let me say I was so glad to have them here.  They were my backup!  Just because you live close doesn't mean you are close.  Sometimes 30 minutes away feels like thousands of miles and vise versa.  

People show their true colors in crisis, make sure yours are always beautiful.

Kids are resilient but need extra care despite seeming strong.  We are now working on the extra care part.  

Physical touch is important.  I'm not a hugger by nature, but I've had to become one.  My kids need hugs and when they started asking on a daily basis for a hug I realized that I needed to take the initiative and hug often!  Hugs are good even for us non-huggers!  

Keep moving forward.  Some days it was all I could do to put one foot in front of the other, but if I wasn't moving forward I would have ran away.  Running wasn't an option so forward it was and it felt good.  

I learned that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be.  I always saw myself as someone that needed to be take care of.  I rely on Chris a lot to take care of so many things in our lives.  This trial has shown me I am strong.  I can do hard things.  I don't necessarily want to do them but I can.  I also stepped it up and worked hard and pulled us through.  I don't think saying this makes me arrogant, or seem self centered, it's a hard thing to realize your own worth sometimes.  Maybe that is the lesson I learned is no matter how others measure my worth I know the real measure and so does my family and Heavenly Father.  We are the ones that matter.  

Well our SUCK-a-versary ended with K taking all the kids to the pool for 3 hours!  Now THAT'S how you celebrate a good day!