They are more like "Guidelines"
Sometimes (ok all the time) I wish there was a support group for people like me. People who went through a really rough situation and coped surprisingly well despite the circumstances and then all of the sudden after the adrenaline of the last year has worn off seems to be crashing. I guess there probably is but I need one that does not meet in the middle of the day when I have all my kids. I also need one that is not filled with people who have lost loved ones because that in and of itself is too depressing for me at this point in my life. I need one that is filled with people who maybe almost lost someone close and are trying to figure out how to not think about that 24/7.
With all that just blurted out on my public blog I've been thinking about this post for a few weeks now and am trying to decide what are the best do's and don'ts of helping someone in crisis. These are the ones I've come up with so far. I think the list will be ever growing as the crisis changes and morphs into something different on a daily basis.
When offering assistance offer ANYTHING. Really anything is better than nothing at all. Offer to clean someones house, offer baby sitting, offer meals, offer a hug, offer an ear to listen, offer whatever you have but just OFFER! Even if it's the proverbial "let me know if there's anything I can do" because odds are if this person is in complete crisis mode and drowning (so to speak) they will eventually figure out how to ask for help and they will remember that you said that. And when they text you and ask you to pick up some dishwasher detergent that is what they need and it will seem like a gift has been handed them!
When you offer help do not expect a big huge grand thank you. Do not expect a card to arrive in the mail in the next few days. Do not even expect them to remember that you did this for them. Honestly I remember so many kind and loving things that people did for me I just sometimes don't remember who exactly did what. They will say thank you and except your help but that may be all they are capable of at that moment. Repaying you will not be on the top of the list. Just know that doing good begets good and whatever kindnesses were done to me I will pay it forward every dang chance I can!
Offer support. Just a text or phone call to let them know you are thinking of them. One of the biggest helps to me was when someone shared with me an experience that she went through that was similar and how she knew what I was going through. That was huge...I WAS NOT ALONE! Now when telling someone stories that are similar DO NOT tell them a story that ends in sadness or loss or tragedy! DO NOT go and tell someone who has a husband suffering from pancreatitis that your best friends, uncles, next door neighbor had pancreatitis and suffered for months and died...That is NOT the stories someone should be hearing. I heard plenty of those and they scared the crap out of me. Also do not Google anything about their condition and try and offer advice. Odds are that person has the same Google tools you have and has read every helpful/non-helpful/scary/crackpot story out there and they have determined that Google is evil and WebMD is evil and should be taken off the internet. (not really evil but WAY too much information for their own good!) Do expect them to get an eyesglazedover look when you start to spout medical mumbo jumbo that you just learned on a search engine. Too much information is sometimes a bad thing.
Always remember that you looking at a situation from the outside, and yes you are on the outside, even if you are a close relative of the ill person unless you are their spouse or children (or in the case of an unmarried child a parent) you are on the outside. Even if you are a parent to a married child, or a sibling to someone who is married you are on the outside. This is not meant to be mean or harsh, it is just fact. You are not privy to all medical information (unless they want you to be), you are not there all the time, you have not lived with this person 24/7 and therefore do not know them like you used to. Again I am not trying to be harsh just stating a fact. Now that being said the person closest to the patient doesn't always have their whits about them. They are so wrapped up in pain and grief and fear that they sometimes have no idea what to do. So if you are willing to step in and help navigate the very confusing and intimidating world of medical stuff that is great. You need to be willing to spend time getting to know the situation, you need to be mindful of ALL the needs of the family (childcare, finances, food, housing, insurance, job, physical limitations etc) Just because you found a doctor on the internet who is in Timbuktu that could MAYBE help them doesn't mean that suggesting that is going to be the best fit. Also when suggesting things be clear and concise. Don't go in with "I found this doctor online who could maybe help"...sit down with the spouse/parent/child and be specific.."we found a doctor in _____ I have called and made arrangements if you'd like to have an appt. We can pay for any financial concerns you have. Your children will be taken care of" etc...You have to be very specific because remember this person isn't thinking clearly AT ALL! They are seeing the world through a haze of fear, pain, frustration, and grief. Just because they are not sitting in a hospital bed in pain and agony doesn't mean they aren't in their own version of pain and agony.
Remember everyone handles situations differently, and no matter how much you think you know what they are going through YOU DON'T...got that!? There are never two situations exactly alike. NEVER. So if you are the recipient of a particularly bad day/week/month for your family/friend who is suffering you have to let it go. Odds are they didn't mean it, odds are they may not even remember, odds are they don't even know they have offended you. So YOU have to let it go, or let them go...your choice.
This last one is so flippin' important I'm going to say it twice...DO NOT JUDGE...got that? DO NOT JUDGE!!!!!!!!!!! See all those exclamation points? Those mean I'm serious! Like as serious as pancreatitis (and that's no joke!). If you are going to judge someone on how they handle a particular situation then you are a jerk. There I said it. For some reason jerk has been my word of choice lately, I guess it's better than other words I could be saying. Judging the people in a crisis situation is the quickest way to alienate them from your life.
Now all that being said I am nowhere near perfect at offering help or assistance to those in need. It's a constant struggle determining how much help to give and how much to just let them be and let them know you are there if they need you. The important part is I'm trying and learning.
My next post will most likely be a list of things I've learned in general...that one is going to be L-O-N-G!!
With all that just blurted out on my public blog I've been thinking about this post for a few weeks now and am trying to decide what are the best do's and don'ts of helping someone in crisis. These are the ones I've come up with so far. I think the list will be ever growing as the crisis changes and morphs into something different on a daily basis.
When offering assistance offer ANYTHING. Really anything is better than nothing at all. Offer to clean someones house, offer baby sitting, offer meals, offer a hug, offer an ear to listen, offer whatever you have but just OFFER! Even if it's the proverbial "let me know if there's anything I can do" because odds are if this person is in complete crisis mode and drowning (so to speak) they will eventually figure out how to ask for help and they will remember that you said that. And when they text you and ask you to pick up some dishwasher detergent that is what they need and it will seem like a gift has been handed them!
When you offer help do not expect a big huge grand thank you. Do not expect a card to arrive in the mail in the next few days. Do not even expect them to remember that you did this for them. Honestly I remember so many kind and loving things that people did for me I just sometimes don't remember who exactly did what. They will say thank you and except your help but that may be all they are capable of at that moment. Repaying you will not be on the top of the list. Just know that doing good begets good and whatever kindnesses were done to me I will pay it forward every dang chance I can!
Offer support. Just a text or phone call to let them know you are thinking of them. One of the biggest helps to me was when someone shared with me an experience that she went through that was similar and how she knew what I was going through. That was huge...I WAS NOT ALONE! Now when telling someone stories that are similar DO NOT tell them a story that ends in sadness or loss or tragedy! DO NOT go and tell someone who has a husband suffering from pancreatitis that your best friends, uncles, next door neighbor had pancreatitis and suffered for months and died...That is NOT the stories someone should be hearing. I heard plenty of those and they scared the crap out of me. Also do not Google anything about their condition and try and offer advice. Odds are that person has the same Google tools you have and has read every helpful/non-helpful/scary/crackpot story out there and they have determined that Google is evil and WebMD is evil and should be taken off the internet. (not really evil but WAY too much information for their own good!) Do expect them to get an eyesglazedover look when you start to spout medical mumbo jumbo that you just learned on a search engine. Too much information is sometimes a bad thing.
Always remember that you looking at a situation from the outside, and yes you are on the outside, even if you are a close relative of the ill person unless you are their spouse or children (or in the case of an unmarried child a parent) you are on the outside. Even if you are a parent to a married child, or a sibling to someone who is married you are on the outside. This is not meant to be mean or harsh, it is just fact. You are not privy to all medical information (unless they want you to be), you are not there all the time, you have not lived with this person 24/7 and therefore do not know them like you used to. Again I am not trying to be harsh just stating a fact. Now that being said the person closest to the patient doesn't always have their whits about them. They are so wrapped up in pain and grief and fear that they sometimes have no idea what to do. So if you are willing to step in and help navigate the very confusing and intimidating world of medical stuff that is great. You need to be willing to spend time getting to know the situation, you need to be mindful of ALL the needs of the family (childcare, finances, food, housing, insurance, job, physical limitations etc) Just because you found a doctor on the internet who is in Timbuktu that could MAYBE help them doesn't mean that suggesting that is going to be the best fit. Also when suggesting things be clear and concise. Don't go in with "I found this doctor online who could maybe help"...sit down with the spouse/parent/child and be specific.."we found a doctor in _____ I have called and made arrangements if you'd like to have an appt. We can pay for any financial concerns you have. Your children will be taken care of" etc...You have to be very specific because remember this person isn't thinking clearly AT ALL! They are seeing the world through a haze of fear, pain, frustration, and grief. Just because they are not sitting in a hospital bed in pain and agony doesn't mean they aren't in their own version of pain and agony.
Remember everyone handles situations differently, and no matter how much you think you know what they are going through YOU DON'T...got that!? There are never two situations exactly alike. NEVER. So if you are the recipient of a particularly bad day/week/month for your family/friend who is suffering you have to let it go. Odds are they didn't mean it, odds are they may not even remember, odds are they don't even know they have offended you. So YOU have to let it go, or let them go...your choice.
This last one is so flippin' important I'm going to say it twice...DO NOT JUDGE...got that? DO NOT JUDGE!!!!!!!!!!! See all those exclamation points? Those mean I'm serious! Like as serious as pancreatitis (and that's no joke!). If you are going to judge someone on how they handle a particular situation then you are a jerk. There I said it. For some reason jerk has been my word of choice lately, I guess it's better than other words I could be saying. Judging the people in a crisis situation is the quickest way to alienate them from your life.
Now all that being said I am nowhere near perfect at offering help or assistance to those in need. It's a constant struggle determining how much help to give and how much to just let them be and let them know you are there if they need you. The important part is I'm trying and learning.
My next post will most likely be a list of things I've learned in general...that one is going to be L-O-N-G!!
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